Saturday, January 29, 2011

again, my post begins with an apology for those who are "listening:"
sorry for waiting several months between posts.
my priorities are obviously askew.

ok, so i don't really believe that my priorities are askew, but i will admit that my blog has not only been at the bottom of the list, but perhaps somewhere also in that group of "stuff i forget about."

as of my last post, i am newly:
1. A wife
2. A puppy-owner
3. A new job-starter
4. An old job-quitter
5. A maker of less money
6. A happier employee
7. A composer (on a very small scale)

maintaining the above priorities keeps me busy, even #4, since my old job connections are still quite tangible (and even desirable, my dear friends). and i have recently had a revelation, which will perhaps (and hopefully) absorb even more of my free time...
i shall explain.
my new job is a bit tedious, a bit stressful, very fast-paced, and i don't really like what i'm doing. however, i LOVE the people i work with AND the atmosphere in which i work, which keeps a smile on my face most of the time. this is a new experience for me, because the position i held for the last 3+ years was just the opposite and did not keep a smile on my face. anyway, back to my revelation...
i find myself thinking about my life, what i'm doing with it, if i have a job my future children could be proud of (for the record, i am very proud of both of my parents' jobs), if i'm doing something that makes sense for my education and talents and blah, blah, blah. the ponderings generally result in a quasi-depression/pity party, "How could I possibly find the energy and motivation to make more of myself, and even if I could, what profession would I pursue??" and other similar thoughts.

and then, a twinge of guilt: i already have an outlet (and the means) with which to "make more of myself," and i've just been squeaking along, doing just what i need to get by. in short, i have been a choir director for almost 2 years (my second job) and a musician for, um, umpteen years, and the possessor of a BA in Music for almost 4 years. in college, i dreamed of having my own ensemble to "experiment with" by writing music for them, and now i DO!
my husband, perhaps knowing me better than i know myself, purchased the latest and greatest composition program as a Christmas gift for me, and i hadn't even touched it until last week.

i suddenly feel like i've been living like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations...
okay, so maybe that's a bit dramatic. but the point i'm getting at is that i've been in some weird haze, ignoring or maybe forgetting the gifts that are getting rusty and dusty all around me, when i could be putting them to good use, not only for my own growth and enjoyment, but maybe even to uplift those around me.
i have set a small, starting goal for myself- to write a bit of music for my choir to sing once a month. nothing long or complicated, just something.
this is something i can already do, no classes or money needed. just me.

i think i'll finish my Saturday ramblings with that.
i've got something i need to work on... :)